6 Reasons To Never Upgrade to the 6 (or 6+)

Better than Bigger

I’m usually one to get the newest piece of technology as soon as I can.  But I’ve been doing some investigating, and I really think you should reconsider. Here are some of the reasons why you don’t actually want an iPhone 6.

  1. Stand up.  iPhone 5 (and 5S, and 4S, and 4) can stand up on it’s own.  Did you also know that iPhone 5 can dance when you get a phone call?  Jony really screwed this one up.  He made the 6 so thin it’s just going to topple over when I try to stand it up.  No, thank you!
  2. Optical Image Stabilization.  iPhone 5 designers specifically chose to leave out the optical image stabilization, but now they’ve put it in the 6.  You know that means?  It’ll be even harder to get blurry pictures with the shake effect I love to put on when I’m at parties going wild.  I’m not a fan!
  3. Apple Pay.  I’m trying to make it harder for people to pay for stuff.  Tim Cook doesn’t even want me to have to wake my phone up.  This seems like the opposite of security.
  4. Precise Thinness.  iPhone 5S was precision measured to be exactly .3mm thick when it was designed.  I often find myself needing to measure distances of just that amount.  An iPhone 6 is going to throw off all of my toy train construction.  I can’t let that happen.
  5. Perfect Headphones Jack. iPhone 5’s headphones jack plugs is flush, so that when you plug in headphones you don’t see any nasty gaps.  iPhone 6 is tapered so you’re going to see the silver part of your headphones.  What a disgusting travesty.
  6. Boxy Style.  iPhone 5 was unique in it’s boxy style.  I’m not sure how Apple’s going to do in court against every other manufacturer that has already come out with a similar design, but haven’t we just spent the last 7 years making fun of other phone manufacturers?  Why are we all of the sudden happy to be just like them. My 5 will live in infamy.

Thanks for reading 6 reasons why I detest the 6.  There’s a small chance I will be forced to upgrade by my evil Telecomm Carrier, so if you see me shamefully holding a 6 or 6+ on the street someday, please have pity.

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